Nazis at the Center of the Earth

April 26, 2012 10:45 pm 1 comment , ,

Smartest Scientist Ever

*Please watch the film before reading this review. It’s too insane not to spoil some of the finer points.

It’s nice to finally find out what really happened to the Nazis after WWII. Sure, indisputable facts are one thing, but only rubes believe in those. Thanks to The Asylum, the real truth is finally unveiled and guess what, it’s frightening. Turns out the Nazis have been hiding in the secret base below the Antarctic in the center of the earth. Oh f*ckballs!

Jake Busey, who was hired presumably for his ability to look like the most Aryan dude on Earth, plays Dr. Adrian Reistad, head doctor guy at research lab or some sort of similar nonsense in the Antarctic. A bunch of cliched Americans brainiacs are there, including one who, like any true American would do, saves a baseball through all sorts of torture, murder and running around in the middle of the Earth for just the right moment to take out a Nazi with said baseball. FDR would be proud. But I digress. People trust Jake Busey, yes I know, that sounds like an awful idea, and it is, because he is actually a bad guy in disguise. The Americans find out too late, when one of their faces is cut off by the Nazis.

See, the Nazis are awesomely advanced like one would suspect for a group hiding for 60+ years in the middle of the Earth with limited supplies and pretty much unanimous hatred by all nations. Hell, they’ve even invented some sort of Ion Laser Blast guns that disintegrate any human targets upon touch but have no impact to the surrounding environment when misfired. But they have one problem. Icky Face. Yep. All their best scientists can’t figure out how to keep the reborn Nazi army from turning into bad green makeup jobs. It’s always the little things that trip up the best laid plans. Icky Face plot lines take up roughly 50% of the movie because the thing about Americans is they have faces and the Nazis need faces.

Icky Face

Also important, and spoilery, is the old timey steampunk tank looking thing of which Jake Busey and Josef Mengele (His Wiki page is wrong, he didn’t die in 1979. Stupid Wikipedia, they let any old idiot update it) keep injecting stem cells into. This is where it gets a little weird. Busey murders his own unborn child to harvest the juicy baby stem cells and promptly injects them into the tank. The tank rumbles and then turns into a highly advanced Decepticon. But not just any Decepticon, it’s MOTHER F*CKING Hitler’s head attached to a robot body. Think the floating heads from Futurama meets some sort of Terminator body. Who knew? All that was needed to bring back Adolf was was unborn baby fetus cells. In retrospect, we all should have seen that one coming.

From here it gets a little weirder.

Hitler Robot shows off his awesomeness by decapitating a dude with his sword arm (one of his many attachments). Yeah. Same old Hitler. Suck a prick. At then the entire underground base also goes Decepticon and turns into a spaceship. I know what you’re thinking and your’e right, a spaceship makes absolute sense and is totally more believable than Jake Busey as a scientist doctor guy.

Probably one of the more historically accurate films based on the Nazis ever made. The Asylum has done their duty to bring forth this mostly true story (the love stories were made up because people need that in a flick) and for that they should be congratulated. Also because f*ck Nazis.


Rating: 7.5 Batsh*t Crazies out of 10

Snore Factor: ?ZZZ

IMDB 2012


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