It just so happens that as of my completion of this review I will have only 30 films left to watch and review in this year long project. Yes, folks, this time-vampire of a project is almost over. I will still review movies, but I think I will focus on some more “out there” pieces and lists that I want to do. Or ?I might blow this blog up and start a website dedicating to watching 365 romantic comedies in a year. Who knows? I could do anything when I’m done. Like maybe get a girlfriend or something. Anyway, I picked Uwe Boll’s epic failure as the film to turn a corner on. I am only going to watch movies that I like during the last 30 days, including some of my all-time faves. So, consider this film a parting shot to the suck that has been a great majority of films in my cannon of reviews.

The cast of this films includes: Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Udo Kier, Meatloaf, Michelle Rodriguez, Billy Zane and Kristanna Loken amongst others. As far as horror films go I have no qualms declaring this the best ensemble cast ever assembled. The writer of screenplay penned a little thing called?American?Psycho. This should have been the greatest horror movie of all time. Of course, none of that matters with Uwe Boll at the helm (though he has gotten much better of late). He can destroy anything. This being his magnum opus of suckdom. There is no movie ever made in all of recorded history that had more potential and yet delivered less. Movies have sucked far worse, for sure, but never with so much going for them. Simply watching the actors in this film taking various kinds of poops would be of higher quality (the 6 Razzie nominations back me up).

Of course, if you know me you know I have a proclivity for bad films. As a b-movie this film is absolutely an entertaining mess. And how often does a movie cut from Sir Ben Kingsley to a man’s face being?gratuitously and gorerifficaly stabbed with a sword? Do you even know what the “Sir” in front of his name means? I do. It’s actually two things: 1. Means he is a total?bad ass?2. He can punch you in the face and there is nothing you can do about it.

While being noted for many things, what stands out most is the acting or lack thereof. Michael Madsen appears to be reading from queue cards while drunk. Kingsley appears to be under the influence of Rohypnol. Michelle Rodriguez has a laughably bad English accent. Really, I’m surprised she was able to even speak in that accent without giggling. ?Billy Zane douches it up, wait, he always does that. Meatloaf, well, I actually like Meatloaf and his gaggle of naked ladies. And Loken manages to look good in leather while delivering uninspired and stilted dialogue. It’s safe to say that Uwe was more concerned with getting into the boxing ring with his critics than the performances of his actors.

Now a lot of things don’t make sense in this movie. Like the plot or anything that is said or done, but one moment stands out amongst them all. The completely random sex scene which appears to only be in the movie because Loken agreed to show her boobs. It’s so out of place that I was torn because I was both sporting a partial and laughing out loud. A dangerous proposition indeed.

Six hundred words in and I haven’t mentioned anything about the actual plot. That’s okay because it’s better that way. Just know that there is some vampireness and some slow-motion bloody fights. None of it’s important because no one should be watching this movie with the intent of trying to understand it. This is strictly reserved for a special breed of movie watchers.

Rating: 2/10

Snore Factor: ZZZZ

IMDB 2005


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