Dark Tower

I am going to spoiler the sh*t out of this movie because it sucks. You are warned. In the annals of buildings attacking people, this one has to rank as one of the worst (The Lift, Poltergiest III, Demons 2). This movie has one thing going for it and that is the novelty of being shot in Barcelona, Spain. That is all. Well, and for bad movie lovers Michael Moriarty (Return to Salem’s Lot, The Stuff) is present.

During construction of a new fancy smancy high rise mysteriousness begins to happen…in the way of people dying. First it was the window-washer, who, to his credit, at least took someone out with him by landing on some poor sap. I have always felt like being landed on would be the worst way to die. Be it airplane falling out of the sky or a window washer or even a suicide jumper. It just doesn’t seem fair to the person on the ground minding their own business. It’s bollocks, I tells ya. Eventually, almost every dies except the main characters – a trait of most terrible movies.

Now this movie does have a few interesting people. Notably, the paranormal investigator who likes to talk to the building like it is his psychiatrist. He wanders around, talking to himself for at least 10 minutes. This kind of thing happens when screenwriters are lazy and choose to have characters flat out state the exposition of the film. But it’s also hilarious in a bad way. He is, however, super fun to root for his death. He gets most of the near kills and fake scares. Feel free to make a drinking game out of this. Just be wary of using any 100-proof liquor.

The big mystery about the building boils down to a dispute over the design. Yep, the husband of the architect in charge decides to haunt the f*ck out of the building and kill as many innocent people as possible, just to get back at his wife. Makes perfect sense, right? Mark my words, I will do the same exact thing if my future wife chucks me down a garbage shoot causing my untimely death. I will kill so many innocents that it will literally be raining their blood for months.

The worst part about this movie is that it isn’t awful enough to be enjoyable. Nothing astoundingly ridiculous happens and almost all of the deaths are off camera. None of the characters are interesting – even Moriarty’s investigator role is boring with a capital B.

Near the end there is a little dead zombie demon action chase scene which isn’t super boring to watch, but it really doesn’t matter by that point. It’s so unbearably boring that there is almost no legit way to make it to the end without wanting to punch yourself in the face. Or jump from a building with the goal of landing on some hapless bystander.

Rating: 2/10

Snore Factor: ZZZZ

IMDB 1987

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