It takes a lot of balls to make a movie titled Suck. But that is exactly what writer / director Rob Stefaniuk did in creating his vampire rock ‘n roll road movie. And while the film almost does exactly what the title suggests it is still a fun ride through a nonsensical land where rock cameos are as common as coffee shops in Seattle.

A struggling band ironically named “The Winners” has been touring for about 10 years with little to no success. They, in fact, do suck. So much so their manager (Dave Foley) attempts to get the band to fire him (and of course returning once they get famous). All of this changes when the bass player (Jennifer Pare) shags up with a queen vampire at a party. Upon her return the band starts to gain momentum on the touring circuit, but only because she is a smoking hot vampire. As the band’s fame grows, they catch the attention of vampire hunter Eddie Van Helsing (Malcom McDowell) – who is afraid of the dark. The chase is on.

While this movie had a ton of potential it is dragged down by unnecessary and unfunny dialogue throughout. Most of the jokes fall flat, especially between the band members. For something that is supposed to be a horror / comedy, shouldn’t it be funny? ?Dave Foley’s dialogue is particularly cringe-worthy, but then again, how long has it been since the dude was funny? Let’s just assume he was invited to be in this film because he is Canadian and it was Canadian production.

If you can get past the bad jokes there is a lot to love – starting with the cameos. Alice Cooper has a role that is exactly what you would think Alice Cooper would have in a movie like this. Iggy Pop plays a burned out former rock star and does so with surprising ease; almost like he had some inside knowledge on the subject. Henry Rollins is hilarious as a douchey disc-jockey for a radio station. Alex Lifeson also has a small part, but the best cameo by far is from Moby. The vegan rock icon plays the lead singer of a band named “Secretaries of Steak”, which is the biggest rock band in all of Toronto. And he absolutely steals the show.

Being a rock ‘n roll film there must be musical performances and Suck doesn’t disappoint. And while often the thought of watching “live” performances of bands in movies makes me want to punch my eyeballs out, here it is one of the strengths. The songs are pretty decent for the most part (not my cup of tea exactly) but the editing and special effects surrounding the performances make it a joy to watch. The best of the bunch being the song performed after the lead singer takes a couple “magic pills” prior to the set. It has a Rock Band / Acid Trip thing going for it and includes the guitarist vampire floating over the crowd whilst shredding away.

While this film won’t go down on any “Best Of” lists, it’s enjoyable enough that I have no problem recommending to fans of the genre. And don’t worry, it’s nothing like Twilight.

Rating: 6/10

Snore Factor: ZZZ (This one will keep you up)

IMDB 2009


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