I’m not a big fan of reviewing movies that everyone on earth has seen, or in the case of Orphan, at least heard about. But this movie deserves a special place in annals of batsh*t crazy movies that M. Night Shyamalan wish he would have thought of first. And after watching the mostly ineffective killer kid film Case 39 a couple weeks ago, I felt the need to review this modern classic.

(Spoiler Alert) There are a few things that must be known about this film: 1. A 33-year old woman is masquerading as a 9-year old girl. 2. She attempts to make her adopted father feel good by doing the pork sword jiggle with the man’s love pole. 3. That really happens. 4. It’s called pedophilia and I was surprised Chris Hansen didn’t bust in the room to save the day.

The mind-blowingness of that scene has turned the movie into something more famous than the Pope and Ghandi combined. That is the society we live in, folks.

The family that adopts Esther is an interesting bunch. The mom is a drunk. The dad trusts his wife about as far as he can throw her. The daughter is deaf. And the son, well, he is the only normal one of the bunch. Also, the mom has a miscarriage early on – hence the adoption.

The adoption is interesting as well. All the girls at the orphanage come out to play and talk to the parents. All but one creepy little bo-peep dressed girl who is way good at painting. She is all alone and clearly the worst choice, but alas, the couple goes with her. Immediately, the mom doesn’t like the girl – even before the killings begin. And in typical horror movie fashion no one will believe her. Especially not her supposedly loving husband whom seems to only believe things that anyone else in the universe says – just not a word the wife says.

Eventually, Esther goes crazy and hammers the brains out of a Nun, pushes a kid off a chair, lights a fire in a tree fort containing her new brother, tries to kill her deaf sister with a runaway SUV and stabs the dad through the heart about 12 times. This is why you shouldn’t adopt kids – MOST times they are psychopathic killers.

The movie borders on the creepy up until the reveal of the age. At that point the movie jumps right to ludicrous – skipping everything in between. It’s the biggest “SAY WHAT” moment in horror in quite some time. For that, I like the movie, the rest follows the same old killer kid formula (no one believes someone, everyone else dies, finally believe, barely make it out alive) that a million of these movies have done before.

Rating: 6/10

Snore Factor: ZZ

IMDB 2009


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